When every one tells me to take your time, I become more anxious because the truth is…all of us operate on borrowed time…
So June was kinda busy when we talk about work and it made question whether it’s the Universe’ way of telling me that it’s already asking for the debts that I owed it. You see, with my previous job, life was quite idle not because I was lazy but you know, bureaucracy, toxic politicking, absurd office conspiracies and this blasted pandemic. After transferring to this current company, however, work life has become so much busy that even if go home at 3-4 pm, I just felt drained and just want to spend the rest of the day lazing around the house while doing no-brainer stuff. While that is okay, I feel like I am wasting my time because I am no longer the 20-year old rebel who still has so much time on her hands. I am already nearing my 40s and I need to sort some shit out like growing up, managing my finances properly, and put things into perspective. More importantly, I already have a partner which means that whatever I decide from now on must also include him and therefore, gone are the days that I just go and say “Fuck the whole world so I’m gonna do this.” I just can’t do that anymore. While my partner and I respect each other’s individuality and accept each other’s flaws, we also recognize and respect the fact that we are in a relationship and decisions must be discussed with and made in partnership. So what I am trying to say is that I think, I must be at least conscious enough to allocate some of my spare time making plans and creating strategies to put all of those into actions.
And as I’ve said June was really work, and work for me. Although I am enjoying the challenges, it still felt like that I am missing something when I look at it holistically. Oh don’t get me wrong, work is fabulous especially that I am surrounded with good people generally. My boss and I are pretty close. I belong to a close-knit team and office politicking between us members are non-existent so that put me at peace. But my personal life, however, needs to be sorted. I want to start a business which could generate me a passive income. I want to purchase a house and lot where my partner and I could start on our own without the interference of our parents. I want to purchase a vehicle but I am still mustering my courage because the thought of driving is just way too scary. I want to learn several new skills like conversing in a new Philippine dialect, drawing digital and traditional arts, clay art crafting, and learning digital analytics. I want to finish my work-in-progress books. I want to purchase a new laptop which would enable me to play The Sims again. I want to read the bible every day even if these are only short verses and a reflection afterwards. I want to go to places alone and contemplate. I want to be with my beau, wake up and sleep next to him. I want to contribute some thing meaningful to the universe although I don’t know what is that yet at the moment. So many things to do, so little time. Sigh.
Oh June, I didn’t mean to be so desolate…but my feelings are incomprehensive whirlpool of confusion…does that even make sense?